Pedunkle

Okay, so this one time I was drunk at a friend's dorm. I decided that the best course of action during this situation was to horizonally position myself on the domicile's carpet. Therefore, the alcohol in my system immedailately concluded that said carpet was fit for consumption. Upon attempting to consume the carpet, my hunger was immeadiately assaikled by the roomies who said "No Fuzz, do not eat the carpet."

My brain, in all of it's genius, shifted it's consumption capabilties towards consuming the garbage in the nearby garbage can. Further attempts at consumption were met with a similar fate to the carpet. Therefore, my conslidated results for the night were consumption of approximately 0 units of both carpet and garbage.

I later went on to consume an entire bag of cheddar potato chips in the span of five minutes. I also decided to consume approximately 8 shots of 101 proof peppermint schnapps and 3 beers. This resulted in am amazing night and an equally amazing morning of puking a color that I did not think the human body was capable of excreting.

The moral of the story is that I am a drunk bastard and screwdrivers are amazing and I posted this damn article for mole. So there. Choke on it. It's done. HA. Ha. haaaaaaaa

Potato Jesus

In a conversation Carol (my girlfriend) and I had a long time ago, we decided that things would be far better than they are now if Jesus had been a potato instead of a human being. For one, potatoes cannot be crucified; they lack the proper limbs and are not prone to bleeding. Second, it would make transubstantiation, the belief that the wafers and Dollar Store wine at communion actually turn into the real body and blood of Christ, a lot less creepy - people eat potatoes, not other people. Speaking of communion, it would be far better with a potato as Jesus, since the body and blood would more or less be vodka and potato chips.

The only forseeable consequence is the near extinction of Irish Catholics, who would abandon their faith during the Irish Potato Famine. Seems like a small price to pay, though, for the spud messiah. Thoughts?

Announcement

Nothing, absolutely nothing, can upstage the naked metal wolf. Nothing. That is all.

Topical Insanity

Today, a Pop-Tart attempted to set my car on fire. The rogue breakfast food (strawberry, in case you want to avoid delicious arsonists) had been sitting in my car for several days for altogether fuzzy reasons, and it was during my lunch break at work that I decided to head out to the car and rid myself of the tasty nuisance. When I opened the packet, I was shocked to discover that it looked as though the Pop-Tarts had somehow gotten into a toaster without exiting their wrapper. They were practically burnt, black at the edges and mildly crispy.

I know it was most likely the sun that caused this, considering the shiny wrapper and the exposure to the sun, but that is still the very last thing I would ever expect to set my car on fire. If it had, I would never find out - who would ever expect a Pop-Tart to be the culprit? Does car insurance cover that? Has it ever happened before? If it has, I'm guessing that it was never discovered. Be wary of leaving your Pop-Tarts unattended - to remedy this, I recommend immediate consumption.

Title of the Post - Explanation of the Title of the Blog

Train Shank - it lives! Imagine a train with a knife taped to it. If you fatally encounter such a thing, were you hit by a train or stabbed? Both? Neither? Some unheard of fifth option? It can only be called train shank, and the confusion and mild insanity that random conversations with friends often leads to is what I hope to share on this blog.

Whenever I get around to it I'll be sure to add strange stories and conversations, both past and present (and future, if that somehow becomes possible), sure to either entertain you or cause you to lose faith in humanity. Share and enjoy!